Everyone says not to compare your children. Not to anyone else’s or even other children of your own. Truthfully, I find this to be a bit dangerous. I get it, kids develop at different rates, the grow and learn at their own pace. But there are acceptable ranges for certain milestones. Just because Jane’s daughter walked at 11 months, doesn’t mean you should worry when your son isn’t walking also at 11 months. But you know, you should worry if they are 2 and not walking. Where is that line? That line that goes from within the curve to below it. The one where you start googling because you know something doesn’t feel right. Obviously a pediatrician is a fantastic place to start. But once they turn one, their frequent visits stop. I think we saw the pediatrician at 1, 15 months and then again at 2. There are a LOT of things that should happen between 15 months and 2. A lot of things that a first time mother might not know.
Comparison IS the thief of joy, its emotional baggage. But I am so thankful that I did make the observations I did. I joined a moms group when Rivers was 5 or 6 months old. I love those ladies, they were intentional in their playdates. We went to museums, and the zoo, and it was ok if we needed to Irish up our coffee sometimes. There were lots of kids close to Rivers age, within 6 months or so. I started to notice Rivers wasn’t talking as much. His vocabulary was dismal and he still grunted and pulled me where he wanted me to go, the other kids didn’t do that. There was a play place we loved, and I started observing the other kids pretending or dressing up. Rivers ALWAYS played with the doors or trashcans. I thought that was weird, and disgusting. I was constantly redirecting him and never really felt like I could sit and enjoy the company of other moms. I noticed he was different.
I don’t know if the need to compare ever goes away. I don’t feel competitive about it, it’s not really about my child being the best or even like everyone else. It’s the stress and worry, that comes with uncertainty. He is not reading at the level he should be in kindergarten. He is trying SO.HARD. Which somehow, makes it worse. Maybe Rivers is highly intelligent and just doesn’t feel the need to show us what he knows. Or maybe he is struggling, maybe he doesn’t understand or maybe he is dyslexic. What if, what if, what if.
I see so many posts in moms groups. Moms that are concerned about the development of their child. There are usually loads of responses saying, “don’t worry” or “stop comparing”. But here is the thing, If something worried a mother enough she needed to ask a bunch of strangers if something was “normal” her concerns are valid. Maybe she truly doesn’t need to worry, but isn’t it up to those with the training and experience to answer? It’s not helpful that your sister’s nephew’s half brother didn’t speak until he was 14 and now is the CEO of a fortune 500 company. Those things CAN happen, there are success stories. There are moms that worry that their 9 month old isn’t walking and it seems crazy to a veteran mom. But these examples are not the majority. Mom gut is a real thing, you should trust is. I wish, more than anything, we would stop saying what everyone WANTS to hear and start telling them what they NEED to, even when its hard.
And to the mom out there who is worried, seek professional guidance. Get an evaluation. If you need to know who to call, or where to find out more about development delays I am an open book. I am NOT an expert but I would love to help you figure out what your next steps should be. ECI is a great resource for children 3 and under. Over 3, the school district will take over services and evaluations. By law, if you request and evaluation the school district must accommodate, even if they are already school aged. Seriously, if you are worried its best to seek advice. The best case scenario is they tell you everything is fine. The worst case scenario is that it’s not, but they can help. And the earlier you start, the better. And starting late, is better than not starting at all.
Typically Atypical 