I Am A $h!++% Friend

My friend recently broke up with me over text message. She was one of my oldest friends. I wish I could say it came as a surprise, but she had been dodging my calls and texts for about a year. I thought that in my mid 30s I was past the point of dramatic endings, but I guess not.

People come in and out of your life, its no surprise to anyone who has lived on this planet more than a decade. Sometimes it is a gradual separation, sometimes it’s more of a production. There are 2 distinct friendships that ended traumatically for me. Once in college when my roommate and best friend at the time, got mixed up with the wrong kind of people. She went down a path I would not follow, and she said some terrible things to me in the end. I remember very distinctly sitting on the phone at an office chair, crying, trying to salvage what was left. It didn’t happen. The second time was last week, when my stomach dropped as I read those words on my phone.

There is a lot I want to say about this incident, but I won’t. The thing is, I AM a crappy friend. I don’t mean to be. I love my friends, dearly. There is almost nothing you can do to lose me as a friend; you will have to kick (or text) me out of your life. But I don’t make my friendships a priority. It’s not because I don’t want to, its because I often don’t have the mental energy.

Caring for a special needs child is hard. Most of the time, its just the daily grind. The grind that all mothers feel, and I don’t think I necessarily feel this any more than anyone else. Mommin’ ain’t easy.

But in addition to the monotony of everyday life, I decided I need to have my own business. I LOVE my business. Photography is my passion, and people pay me to provide this service to them. But running business is hard. And I have built my business around odd hours. I work primarily with natural light, which means I am a slave the sun. I have also decided to focus on high school seniors, which are only available for photo sessions after school and on weekends. So that means, I am working on the weekends and evenings. It means the burden of caring for OUR children falls exclusively on my husband. And I am a feminist, and wholeheartedly believe caring for our children is a shared responsibility. And he never gives me grief about this.

Running a business is hard ya’ll. It’s the hours of a CEO with the salary of an intern, at least in the early stages. And since I always prioritized my mom duties over my business ones, I consider my 6 year old business in the start up phase. Its hard work, and taking pictures is about 10% of what I need to do to make myself successful. And I hope I am successful. These are the reason I am out of gas, but they are not excuses for being a bad friend.

My friends recently planned a weekend trip to Vegas. I was invited to join, and I wanted to, desperately. But the timing wasn’t good for me. And when I approached the topic with my husband I didn’t tell him how desperately I wanted to go. In fact, I knew there was about a 1% change I would go before I ever even asked. I am traveling twice this year, both for photography conventions. And the timing of this trip was just a few weeks before one of my conventions. I am sure I could have convinced him to let me spend the money. But asking him to run the household and take time off work so I can play the slots at the Venetian was a really big ask. I had a really rough week, and the images from their girls weekend started to fill my newsfeed. It broke my heart. They were making wonderful memories that I could have made with them, but chose not to. And I needed that weekend, a lot.

There are times when I am invited to dinner and I have nothing on my calendar, but I decline. That means my PJs would have to wait an extra 2 hours before they are on my body. And I cannot ask them to do that. It means our Shameless binge will have to wait another night. It means I can’t bury my problems in addicting iPad games. I am all about taking care of yourself; and sometimes that means staying in. But I don’t think binge watching TV is really doing anything to better myself or my mood. I need to do better.

But here is the thing, I do not want to be in the business of chasing friends. If after 20 years, you feel the need to end our relationship over a text message, then I am inclined to let you. If my presence in your life doesn’t add value to it, then that’s on me. I don’t want to be a part of someone’s life that doesn’t want me there.

Something funny happened though. I started this little blog, and I told my story to the world. Almost immediately I got a message from a mom thanking me for being so open, and reminding her she is not alone. I scheduled a coffee date with a mom who is struggling with her son. I started a group chat with a few other moms that were interested in getting together to chat about the struggles of ASD. I don’t know if I will find a new friend, but I know right now , I am happy to find moms who share my struggles. I want to spend time with women who get it.

I am not alone, I have wonderful friends in my life. They don’t expect me to be someone I am not, this post is not about them. And to those friends, I am sorry for being a crappy friend. And thank you, for not holding it against me.