Inspired by Autism

I care way too much about what people think of me. The idea that someone might not like me keeps me up at night; and unfortunately thats not an exaggeration. I don’t want to be this person. I want to be fearlessly me, the flaws and imperfections, the goofy personality, the person that can be incredibly intelligent and eloquent and but still (often) says really stupid things. I should be unapologetically me. It feels weird to say that I am inspired by autism because I think most people think of it as a tragedy. I am not one of those people, but that’s because I am living in this world. If you asked me 7 years ago, my tune was certainly different.

The thing about Autism is that social intricacies seem to be lacking. They don’t necessarily pick up on societal norms, the little rules most of us follow without even thinking about it.

I was dropping Rivers off at school this morning. Almost every day he runs through the front doors. We aren’t late, he just likes to run I guess. I can’t really tell you why. But he is always the only kid running, everyone else just leisurely strolling inside. He is completely unaware that no one else is running. He doesn’t seem to care that its completely unnecessary to run. He likes it, and he does it. Sometimes we ride his bike to school. He still has training wheels, and might be the only kid in school that does. And he doesn’t care! One of his classmates even commented on it, and he still was completely unphased. Something that might embarrass me, because I am not doing what everyone else is, doesn’t impact his life at all.

I just got back from St Lois for a photography convention. It’s such an intense 2 day conference with classes all day, photoshoots all night, and a party at all times. I focus my days on business classes and some photography education (this year I focused on off camera light and video). But the last night, there was great music and maybe a few hard ciders. I wanted to dance. Its important to know I am not a good dancer. Alcohol makes me think I am, but I have seen the footage, I am not. But I decided not to care. I knew maybe 5 people in the room, the music was great and I wanted to have a good time. People teased me (in a light hearted, friendly way) and I legitimately did not care. Now, all of those people with video footage know I will send the KBG after them if it ever sees the light of day. But I had a blast! I looked ridiculous, but for once in my adult life, I didn’t wonder what other people thought of me. It isn’t important to me if they think I am ridiculous. In fact, I bet lots of people wish they had the courage to join me.

Its funny, because I think about how much fun I had, and how much I didn’t care. But I am still reeling in my random act of confidence even a week later wondering if my sweet white girl dance moves will make the promo video for next years conference. And what if next year, before any hard ciders, someone remembers me. And what if they form an opinion about me before they ever even talk to me. What do I do with myself?

I know that Rivers will eventually figure out that he is different. That maybe people will form an opinion about him if he runs into school when no one else does. I know that it’s not only his autism that makes him unaware of social conventions but his age as well. I dread the day that he come home crying because someone made fun of him. I know it’s coming, and probably very soon. I don’t remember when I starting caring about other people’s opinions of me, I assume somewhere around middle school when girls really start to suck. But I hope, that just maybe this can be an upside to autism. To be exactly who he wants to be without fear of judgment.