Empathy

I have been noticeably absent from my blog. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but mostly because I am doing my very best to survive summer. I know you feel me on this. And to be honest, I am finding this level of vulnerability more difficult than when I started this blog. These are my deepest thoughts, ones that I can’t even bring myself to vocalize. So I share them here, from the safety and semi anonymity of my keyboard; to cleanse my soul and maybe, hopefully, help some people that might be struggling along the way.

Empathy.

noun

the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

You may not know this about me, but I am a deeply empathetic person. I feel deep emotions, I am very easily able to feel the pain of others, even when it is completely unrelated to me. I have always been this way and I think it is why I am passionate about social and humanitarian issues. I don’t always know how to process these intense feelings and I tend to shield myself from the stories in the news. I actively avoid articles and social media posts about it because I simply cannot handle them. And then I feel intense guilt because by avoiding these issues, I am contributing to them. It’s a really difficult headspace to possess.

I don’t always think empathy is a good thing, I feel empathy for people I shouldn’t. Criminals. Mothers that murder their children, pedophiles, drug addicts, etc. Now, before you run off and think I am a crazy person (I already know I am), I do NOT excuse criminal activity. I don’t feel sorry they will suffer the consequences of their crimes, and I absolutely mourn for the victim the most. But what happens to a person, and what goes on in their mind, that drives them to this place. Do they feel guilt, remorse, shame? I just know something was broken along the way, somebody failed them, the system failed them, something happened to create this tragedy.

So now that you think I am a total nut job, let me put this in more relatable terms. Whenever someone is experience conflict, I am almost always the one to play devils advocate. Some kid bit your kid at school? I immediately wonder what might have caused that child to bite. Sure, I am sorry your child was bit, I am sure it hurt. But I imagine the child that bit was so overwhelmed and unable to communicate it reverted to primal instincts and your child was just caught in the crossfire. I don’t assume negative behaviors, even the most intense ones, are because the child is inherently bad, or it’s a result of poor parenting, but just unable to process and deal with a situation. Maybe its raising a special needs child that has given me this perspective, but I don’t think so. I think maybe I was born this way to practice, because I was always meant to raise a special needs child.

So what do my emotional complexities have to do with autism? There is a theory that autistic people do not have the ability to empathize. Their social deficits make it difficult for them to relate on that deep of a level. This has not been my experience with Rivers. He does seem to show empathy, though not quite as often as I would hope to see.

Several months ago, we were having dinner at my Grandmother’s house, as we do every Wednesday. Rivers was sitting in one of the large recliners, specifically the one my grandfather spent most of his days in. He had the chair reclined with the feet up, with Ryder playing at his feet. He decided to get up, and while returning the chair to the upright position, Ryder’s arm got suck in the leg rest. Thankfully, besides hurting, no injuries were had. But Rivers could not seem to process what had happened. Thankfully at this time, I knew more about what I was dealing with and was able to talk to him about it. I told him he needed to apologize to brother because something he did hurt him. I explained that he was not in trouble, it was an accident. But that when you hurt someone, even if you didn’t mean to, its important to apologize. Telling this story it sounds simple. But the result was Rivers standing in the corner for about 10-15 minutes while I explained the situation. I could tell he had a very difficult time processing how he could hurt someone when he didn’t mean to. He felt bad, or else he would not have retreated in to the corner. This was a very hard situation for me to navigate. Im still thinking about how I handled it in great detail all these months later.

I stumbled across some very interesting resources for autism. The first is Agony Autie on Facebook. She is an adult with autism and an advocate for the autistic community in the UK. She does a fantastic job explaining what the world is like for her, and recently admitted is a watered down version of what its really like. But for me, I appreciate the insight and it gives me a great perspective as a parent and what might be important.

Recently she shared an article written by Dr Damion Milton, The Double Empathy Problem. It’s a very short read, and I found the insight extremely interesting, but I’ll paraphrase. In short, its not an empathy problem on the lack on autistics, but rather a misunderstanding between the way we each see the world. As a for example, Rivers may not understand why someone would be upset if he accidentally hurt them. Similarly, I don’t understand why his Legos need to be arranged in a particular order. I am sure I am giving you the remedial version of this theory, so take that into account.

But this theory is rather radical in nature, and it 100% changed my perspective. All of the therapy available is designed to help the autistic community fit into the world of the neurotypical. But there is little to no options for helping those of us without autism to fit into their world. What if, we saw autism as more of a difference rather than a disability? What if we saw it more like someone having a different eye color or speaking a different language?

As I dive further into this world of autism, I am learning so much. What started as a devastating diagnosis, has completely morphed into something else. I have started following people living with autism, particularly adults. Quite frankly, I don’t care what people living without autism think is the best, I care the most about how people living with it feel. Is everything we are doing just for our own convenience? Is it really what the person living with autism needs?

I will say, thats a heavy load to bear. I do not think anything we have done with Rivers thus far has been to his detriment. Speech has been incredible in not only his expressive language skills but receptive skills and comprehension. We obviously need to be able to communicate and understand each other. But I have a lot of guilt making him do all the work. At times, it truly is like we are using the same words, but speaking different languages.

And I am not saying the therapy is bad, or wrong. And I am definitely not judging if you have decided to pursue tons of therapy or none at all. I think this can be a very tricky road to navigate as a parent, especially if you have no frame of reference. We can only do what we think is best given the information we have available.

And this was a very wordy post without a resolution. As Rivers’ mom, my objective is to keep him safe and happy. And I want him to be the best version of himself, even if I don’t know what that means or understand it. I want him to be uniquely him (I want that for BOTH of my children), to embrace what makes him unique. To never apologize for being different or expressing himself in a different way. To be creative, and insightful. He is all of these things, and everyday I learn how to let him be a little more “himself.” It’s really hard guys, to let go of what other people think of his behaviors. To let go of how I *think* he should be.

While there are a lot of things about this parenting journey that are not how I imagined. There are lots of disappointments, like Christmas being more about stress than magic. Or not being able to attend 4th of July festivals because the noise is too much. But I am so beyond grateful to Rivers. While it’s my job to teach him and mold him, he has reciprocated 10 fold. He has opened the door to a world I never knew much about, and I had so many preconceived notions shattered because of this incredible boy. He is my absolute perfect match.

Til next time,

Lindsey